Week 11

Chris Boswell boots one of his huge 6 FG haul for the Drillers.

Kia ora, fit like and welcome in to a report currently being written from somewhere due north of Ankara, Turkey - approximately 44,000 feet in the air. Coach Bothwell here, currently in transit on my way to New Zealand to celebrate the nuptials of Coach Butter, who will be tying the knot in Wellington at the end of the month. I should probably be using this time to constructively flesh out the remainder of a patchy best man speech, but instead I am prioritising letting you know that a man who kicks footballs in Pennsylvania is pretty good at his job... Don't worry, I've got 4 hours left of this flight, 16 hours of a second one and 9 days of anxiety and panic leading up to my 5 minutes in the spotlight berating The Dazzler to within an inch of his life. As I am without WiFi at the moment, I am going to take some liberties in my descriptions of the scoring and I'll just be plonking the efforts of CJ Stroud on at the end. Vegas had this going down as a squeaker, with a lot hinging on the "boom or bust" nature of the replacement kicker in the Drillerdome, and a bold move to a 4WR set over in the Den. So, if memory serves me rightly, The 2 Minute Drillers got off to a splendid start courtesy of the joint 2nd highest kicker total of all time: a 24 point showing from Chris Boswell, joining the Laurel Lions Jake Moody's haul from earlier this season, trailing only Stephen "Goat Jowels" Gostkowski's 25 from ... *notes missing - making a guess*.... time when dubstep was all the rage. 24 points is OUTRAGEOUS. The last time he was in spelling for Harrison Butker (who is currently on IR), he posted 16 points. Perhaps a stake is being claimed on the Drillers kicking position? Jordan Addison was a bit of an unknown going into this season with certain disciplinary issues hanging over him, however, he is making the most of his time as "innocent until proven guilty" by getting on the scoreboard every few weeks. His TD catch from *...oh man, I really got nothing.... what was his name ? Reasonably highly drafted guy? Underachiever ? Bit wrong in the head... *...Gus Frerotte, notched up another 3 for the Rickster. Tyreek Hill got on the board for a second week in a row on, as he aims to return to the form he showed before *....damn, no notes saved again!...* the tragic passing of Princess Diana... ? I'm not sure I'm getting these stats right, you know...  So, over to Coach Hamilton's Lions, and it was Anubis-mon-Hoth St Bernard (close enough) who led the initial retort with a 2 TD performance in an absolute gubbing of the Jacksonville Jaguars. A beatdown the likes of which have not been seen since *... think Bothwell, THINK...* that time Aberdeen melted FC Sion in the European Cup Winners Cup ! Jayden Reed kept the good thing going for Jamesie's receiving corps, with what I can only assume was a short reception for a score. (FLIGHT PROGRESS CHECK : due north of a place called "Kayseri" now. Not sure if 400 words in a thousand miles is good progress or not?). Given the kicking total on the other side of the equation, some serious hopes were being pinned on the efforts of Jake Moody. Would he be able to replicate the aforementioned 24 point effort from earlier this campaign? Short answer : nope. A lone short fieldgoal and 2 PATs were as big a let down as *...not having the internet to research these things sucks. Got to think of something... * ...the release of Metallica's tremendously disappointing "St. Anger" album in the early 2000s. Yes, that'll play. To have any chance of turning this one around, Joe Burrow would need to log an other worldly haul against a highly rated Chargers defence on Sunday night.  On the whole, he would go on to perform well, with 3 TD scores. Who were they to? I don't know ! Lets just say there was one to TJ Houshmanzadeh, one out of the backfield to Corey Dillon and another to the frail visage of Chris Collinsworth, who came out of the commentary booth just for this game. Anyway, at the time of writing, CJ Stroud is still to come for the Twa Minters, and the W is already penciled into the appropriate column with the score at 30-23. In the incredibly likely event that I don't get enough time to supplement this result with the correct statistics, how about you just choose your own adventure ?

1) Stroud performs well. Turn to page 36.

2) Stroud performs poorly. Turn to page 48. (ed : this is it !)

3) Aliens descend from the sky to enslave our species as they have witnessed that we simply cannot be trusted to run our own affairs. Turn to page 69.

Coach Hamilton's 3 game RSS streak comes to an end. Commish takes the lead 5-4. Drillers keep in the BA hunt until at least week 13 and can win it if the Rising lose week. Jamesie's Lions drop to 5-6 and in serious danger of missing the playoffs.

Coach McGeachy the Younger added another string to his ALFF bow as his Kincorth Killers held off the Wellington Rising 35-23 to clinch the Granite Division and record his first ever successful pennant defence. Ahead from a pivotal Thursday night onwards,  the Special K never surrendered the initiative throughout and were  never really tested by an NZ outfit that have now lost two on the bounce and seen the leadership of the Bon Accord Division slip from their grasp.  This ALFF Bowl 30 rematch opened as I mentioned on Thursday night at The Linc where the tone of the whole contest was very much set. Dazzer's Jayden Daniels to Scary Terry hook-up was a source of rich pickings over the back end of the mid season stretch but over the past two weeks the  duo have gone a little quiet. With only 5 minutes to go in Philly the Daniels & McLaurin v Saquon Barkley head to head looked to heading to an uninspiring 00-00 tie....but a 23 yard TD run by the double K ball carrier kicked of a late flurry of action. One offensive play later Daniels threw an untimely INT and just two plays after that, Saquon completed a stunning late double with a slightly longer 39 yard romp. The Rising rookie passer did recover with a last gasp 5 yard TD toss, complete with his share of a 2pt attempt, but 12-04 to the Killers was not what coach Butter expected to take from the Philadelphia located  prologue. The early Sunday point of interest was the Derrick Henry v Justin Tucker head to head at what used to be known as Heinz Field and although the defending League champions had concerns of their own as the specialist went one of three with his FG attempts (a 54 yarder), King Henry's fumble on his first carry of the night rather suggested the tone was not changing for Welly. The League champion runner elect did find enough form to score on a  1 yard bash, but 6pts apiece from this venue swung the pendulum even further in Kinker's direction. Derek Carr, playing like Derek Carr but pocketing 9pts thanks largely to a big 71 yard TD strike,  boosted coach MCGeachy's position even further, while the only highlight for coach Butter in the opening Sunday phase was a nice 4pt bonus for his Detroit DST... but even that had a downside as newly promoted WR Calvin Ridley was a goose egg casualty of that stifling defensive effort (tellingly he did have a big bonus score called back for a questionable procedure flag). The Killers of course all but matched that with a bonus two points from their No 1 Vikings unit. Into the late Sunday period and the Kinkers Krewe now 29-14 ahead, the pressure was on Welly to respond and give kicker Evan McPherson a manageable target to shoot at in the SNF game at Sofi. With no James Connor to call on ( bye week) the Kauri King had inserted Tyler Allgeier as his RB2 and it seemed unlikely he would outdo direct opponent Bijan Robinson ... and he didn't... although neither threatened to get on the scoreboard as the Dirty Birds were throttled at the Mile High. Still 15pts ahead Andrew has the luxury of just hoping No 1 WR Ja'Marr Chase could limit Money Macs claw back surplus in the SNF game  to single figures but we should have know the wideout would have other plans. This time round there were no bonus points but an excellent  TD double ( 4 and 17 yards) stood in direct contrast to the games second underwhelming kicking effort. McPherson was slightly more productive than his Kincorth positional opponent but a 2 successful FGs from 4 attempts ( plus 3 XPs) was hardly a screaming success. At 35-23 to the defending Granite Div champions it now required last man out  Wellington wideout Nico Collins to have a huge night in Jerryworld to keep the GDiv pennant victory champagne on ice... but the Texans went ground game all the way and the final scoreline was unaltered. . A major sub plot to all this was the fact the Special K went into the clash defending a 31pt lead in the Martin Garioch ALFF Points Title. That has now been extended to 42pts... with coach Butter having to surrender the "chief rival" tag to coach Bothwell Jnr. Barring a total Krewe collapse in their closing two fixtures its hard to see why they wont hang on to record their 3^rd Points crown ( and first since 2016).The Killers improve to 8-3 and now have a firm grip on the No 2 seed berth, courtesy of a huge points advantage over the (also 8-3) Drillers and a tie break over their only other double bye rivals the Wellington Rising. That said Andrew will still have to win out to be absolutely sure of two weeks off. Up to this point there has been little chatter of a repeat ALFF Title possibility but this has to be on the table with the champs now being touted by Vegas as outright ALFF Title favorites. Only 3 sides have managed the task of landing both the Martin Garioch ALFF Points Title while winning the whole enchilada (the 2014 Killers being one of them) and only the JL8 have  won the Steven Wood in successive seasons. Things are looking truly upbeat  around the Slaughterhouse  but it's not all sweetness and light.  Derek Carr came thru this week with a decent haul but with only Jameis as a current viable back-up (will Lawrence return ?) the QB game has got be a concern. I also read somewhere that Justin Tucker on current form would have been cut by now if he did not have his previous body on work on file. It's all gone horribly wrong for coach Butter since shellacking the Argyll Apaches in Week 9. Two successive losses have allowed the 2 Minute Drillers to regain the narrative in the Bon Accord Div battle and Welly now have to at least match their rivals Wk 12 outcome to take the pennant race to the final tie of the regular season. This loss in its own right means a double bye week is a something of a long shot. The Kauri King may have other things on his mind in Week 12 onward....( someone cue up the Wedding March)...but the chance for former Rising stalwart Jalen Hurts to rain on his 2024 ALFF parade must have crossed his mind. That single bye week guarantee remains just half a game from the NZ HC's grasp.

Coyotes Look Like They Be Mixon It In December !

Running Up That Hill !